Day Off

I love having weekdays off. I mean I'd be willing to give up my weekends just to take a couple of days off mid-week. Why? I'm home alone. It's like when I first moved out and I had the entire place to myself to do whatever the hell I felt like doing. Kids are in daycare, wife's at school, I'm sitting here in my underwear surfing the web. Hey, if you didn't want too much information about me, you probably shouldn't be reading this. Anyway, as I'm sitting here doing nothing productive, I was reading some of my old posts from 2004. My first thought was, "holy crap that was 5 years ago." and my second thought was, "I'm a boring guy." Anyway, the real reason I mention the old posts is because I read some of my old hospital stories. Ever since I took this desk job and stopped working at the hospital, I don't have any really good stories anymore. No more messy, bloody stuff, no dead or dying people, no sad tearjerkers, and no exciting codes. Oh well, the only ones that really suffer from this are you, the readers. I just know I don't come home smelling like shit anymore.

Funny Shit I Got in My Email

• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction fromwhich you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
• The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or faq's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
• Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
• Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
• Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
• Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
• If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
• The best thing about sex is that part where I have it.
• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
• As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

Big Brother

Today I was picking up my kids at the daycare and while I was there, one of the other little boys was playing with the hood on Amelia's jacket while she was wearing it. She was not happy about this so she was kinda getting mad. Lucas, suddenly walks up and yells, "Stop!" It was awesome. He was protecting his sister! Then, as the other little boy stood around, Lucas gave him the eye and wouldn't let him out of his sight until the boy walked away. I was the happiest dad in the world.

Don't Quit on Me

In my browser, I keep all my bookmarks pretty organized. Everything is categorized and placed in the proper folder. I have a folder with all the blogs I read too. It used to be pretty big but that was when everyone jumped on the blog bandwagon, wrote in it for a few months and then quit. Quitters! For a while, I was reading close to 20 blogs but now I only read a handful and two of them are by people I haven't seen in a while (20+ years now). Anyway, after writing in my blog for 6 and a half years, I only have one thing to say to all you people that started and then quit: you suck. There, I said it. You all suck. How the hell am I supposed to kill time when there's nothing to read? Facebook only takes up a few minutes of reading one-liners and Twitter is lame.

Who Said That? Level 9

This one is easy and hard at the same time. As a tribute to the Great John Hughes, I'll tell you right now that this is from a John Hughes movie (easy part). You just have to tell me who said each line (hard part).

I'll do anything sexual. I don't need a million dollars to do it either.
You're lying.
I already have. I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal. I'm a nymphomaniac.
Lie.
Are your parents aware of this?
The only person I told was my shrink.
And what did he do when you told him?
He nailed me.
Very nice.
I don't think that from a legal standpoint what he did can be construed as rape, since I paid him.
He's an adult.
Yeah, he's married too.
Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?
Well, the first few times...
The first few times? You mean you did it more than once?
Sure.
Are you crazy?
Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing a shrink.
Have you ever done it?
I don't even have a psychiatrist.
Have you ever done it with a normal person?
Didn't we already cover this?
You never answered the question.
Look, I'm not going to discuss my private life with total strangers.
It's kind of a double edged sword isn't it?
A what?
Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have you're a slut. It's a trap. You want to but you can't, and when you do you wish you didn't, right?
Wrong.
Or are you a tease?
She's a tease.
I'm sure. Why don't you just forget it.
Oh, you're a tease and you know it. All girls are teases.
She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot.
I don't do anything.
That's why you're a tease.
OK, let me ask you a few questions.
I already told you everything.
No. Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love. I mean, don't you want any respect?
I don't screw to get respect. That's the difference between you and me.
It's not the only difference I hope.
Face it, you're a tease.
I'm NOT a tease.
Sure you are. Sex is your weapon. You said it yourself. You use it to get respect.
No, I never said that she twisted my words around.
What do you use it for then?
I don't use it period.
Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?
I didn't mean it that way. You guys are putting words into my mouth.
Well, if you'd just answer the question.
Why don't you just answer the question?
Be honest.
No big deal.
Yeah answer it.
Answer the question, Claire.
Talk to us. Every one: C'mon, answer the question. Come on. Answer it.
C'mon, it's easy. It's only one question.
NO I NEVER DID IT.
I never did it either. I'm not a nymphomaniac. I'm a compulsive liar.

I'm a Little Cold

Last week we had a bit of a heat wave. Temperatures all week were up in the 30's during the day and then at night it would only go down to about 21. It was actually a really great week cuz it was always sunny and beautiful outside. It was a bit warm for my taste but I can't really complain because it only gets like this for about 1 or 2 weeks out of the year. We had our A/C going full-time during the heat wave so I'm a little worried about our hydro bill but whatever. If I'm going to go down, I'm going down in comfort. The past couple of days have been warm (early/mid 20's) and just right for wearing anything you want and going out and doing stuff. Very comfortable. Tonight, I'm not sure why, but I'm feeling a little cold. Maybe this beer sitting beside me will warm me up a bit. Or maybe the one after it will. Nothing wrong with having a beer at home after a tiring day with the kids. They're asleep already so I'm just saying that I think I deserve a little treat. It's nice to just kick back and have a beer in peace. I'm just saying...

Make Them Feel Special

I find it funny when you look at the responses on evites or facebook events and people say, "I've got another party to go to that day." Really? Really? Do you really have to say that? Can't you just say that you've got some other appointment instead of saying that there's another party you'd rather go to? I mean, if you said, "I have another party that I can't get out of." Well, that's okay. Or even, "I've already accepted an invitation to another party and it's too late to cancel." That's okay too. I just think that if you're invited to a party and you just have to say that you're going to another party instead, at least make the host feel like you would rather go to his/her party instead. I'm just saying...

Dreams

Look at me, three posts in one night. Don't get used to this, I doubt that it will happen very often. Tonight is special though. I put the kids to sleep, Celia's out, I have a brand new bottle of my favourite cheap wine, and a full pack of smokes (I had one earlier, but I doubt I'll be having another one until Monday - yes I still smoke once in a while, so what? Eat me.). I kinda miss having time to myself to blab about nothing and sit at home and do nothing. What I really dream of is having a whole weekend with no kids so I can go do whatever the fuck I please for 48 hours starting on Friday evening until Sunday evening. Right now, THAT would be a better vacation than going to Vegas.

Double the Fun

As I was putting my kids to sleep tonight, it hit me again, as it does once in a while: holy shit, I have twins! The other day, Linda came by the office with her son and I made joke about how some parents are just lazy cuz they only have kids one at a time. It was kinda funny at the time but just now I realized that to me, I wasn't really kidding. I'm sure Lisa and Steve will agree that after having twins, just one kid is a fricken vacation.

Life Sucks

Being a single parent is tough. Not that I ever thought it was easy, I just thought that maybe I wouldn't have to be one. I just need a chance to whine about it. Shit just happens that gets in my way of fun, no not fun, but just life in general. Yeah, shit happens that get in the way of my life. Nothing that is anyone's fault, mind you, just shit happening. Someone has to be the responsible one in life, I suppose. Someone has to make the sacrifices and someone needs to just suck it up. That doesn't mean I don't get to complain about it once in a while because it really really really really sucks. I was thinking about looking for a new job just for something different and maybe more money but then I thought, "who the hell is going to pay me for doing what I do at work?" If you know what I do then you'll understand that lately I don't really feel like I've been doing much. Plus, I don't think a new job would be so flexible with my hours or give me more time off. I can't start earlier than 8am because I have to take the kids to daycare and I have to be off by 4:30 so I can pick them up before 5 (that would also mean working in the same city). So basically, I'm stuck in my job. Overtime would help with the bills but I don't have time to pick any up. Someone has to be home. Geez, it sucks to be me.