Just as Expected

I always knew that if our babies were going to be born at 29 weeks, it wouldn't be easy. I knew that at that age they would go back and forth in terms of 'stuff' they can do. I fully expected either Lucas or Amelia to go from breathing on their own and back to cpap and then breathe on their own again and so on. I figured that if they were digesting food, they would be better at it on some days and on other days, not so good. This past weekend I was so happy to see both of my children breathing on their own and having their diet increased in volume and frequency. Being able to hold them as we tube fed them has been the greatest feeling I've had as a father thus far. Doesn't sound like much but if when most of the time you see your children it's through a plexiglass isolette, just being able to touch them or hold them, even for just 10 minutes, puts a huge smile on your face.

The hospital told us that if the twins even had a set-back, they would call us and let us know. I always felt better that they would keep us up-to-date on how they were doing. Until I actually got a call from them. This evening they called and told me that Lucas needed a little bit of extra help remembering to breathe so they but some hi-flow nasal prongs on him. This isn't really a big deal - like I said, I always knew they would go back and forth until they were a little older (they're not even 2 weeks old yet). As the nurse was telling me about this, I felt a little numb. Was there anything I could do? No, he's fine now. Should I be concerned? No, this is normal. I finished painting my living room and an hour or so later I sat down and looked at today's pictures from the hospital. I don't think I've ever felt so crappy in my entire life. Never in my life have I envied my friends' healthy, full-term children more than now. Never have I been so... angry that my children weren't home with me. And never have I felt so helpless. To all those parents out there, did you ever promise your newborn child that you'd always protect them and take care of them? Well I did and I feel like I'm not doing anything.