Rule #85 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
Rule #959: You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)
Rule #1,073: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Rule #2,811: If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t see nothin’.
Rule #3,462: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flights of stairs) ÷ dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at that hot new neighbor chick.
Rule #7,105: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked
Rule #8,812: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
Rule #511: When asked, your best friend's girl is always beautiful-and never your type.
Rule #732: Sex with a hot stewardess is still cheating. But sex with hot Swedish stewardess twins, surprisingly, is not.
Rule #7,000: If a man compliments your "outfit," he is accusing you of being gay.
Rule #7,975: It's OK to like Fight Club, Seven, and Snatch. It is not OK to be a Brad Pitt fan.
Rule #8,746: Corollary: Never hug another man from behind or allow yourself to be so hugged.
Rule #8,820: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible “I recognize you” nod is all the conversation you need.
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